Reflections of an anxious third-year student

I am writing this now, counting down the months, weeks, days until I finally graduate from my undergraduates. As the day comes closer, the higher the anxiety… But, during my last few months of being an undergrad student, I actually managed to learn a lot of things despite my raging anxiety.

1) There’s no need to rush

We are accelerating humans. Everything is expected instantly, when we want something, we want it now. Although I have studied meticulously about how dangerous it can be for the world to accelerate in capitalism, information, and technology, I will not deny that I myself cannot escape this.

Last year, just before I turned 20 and just about to go on summer break, I spent the whole months of April, May, and June applying for internships and jobs for everything. I didn’t really care whether or not I would earn any money, I just wanted “experience” and to be honest, I wanted to be 3, 5, 10 steps ahead of everyone. I would send out my CV to 10 different companies in one day, draining my entire mental energy writing cover letters for each one. When I had no response, I was heartbroken and felt completely worthless, and broke down in front of my parents because I felt like I’ve let them and myself down.

My dad, who doesn’t really give me much career advice due to our different career paths, gave me a rational outlook on my situation. Firstly, I was only on my second year of uni! There was no way a company would invest on a 20-year-old who has not optimized her skills. Secondly, instead of stressing out and feeling like I am a failure, I should realize that this will be my last summer of being an undergrad student and that I should take advantage of this situation to have fun and enjoy my life. I took his advice, and decided to travel as much as I could that summer, and it ended up being more experience-filled than I had expected.

Fast forward to my time now, same place, it is April, and I find myself applying to internships and jobs all over again. I write this as I spend the same amount of energy, carefully reading my cover letters and CVs every single day before sending them out to companies in the hopes that I will be worth their time and consideration. Everything needs to be fast and quick! Everyday, I have to stop myself and ask why I am doing this; is it to excel and be ahead of every single one of my friends? Or is it because this is what I want?

I am rushing so fast in a race when I’ve not even set the finish line.

Scrolling on LinkedIn makes me extremely depressed, I see all my connections getting their dream jobs at the age of 21, while I’m here not even knowing what I want to do! But I’ve learned that as much as I want to be steps ahead of everyone else, what’s the point of being fast when I don’t even know which way I’m going?

Saying this, I’m probably still going to spend lots of my time trying to land a good internship/job that will satisfy my CV, but I have learned to bear in mind that if I don’t get any, then it’s probably the universe telling me that I’m not ready. It’s probably the universe secretly telling me that whilst I’m good enough, this is not what I’m meant to be doing.

2) You need to manifest the living shit out of yourself

During one of my lowest, anxious moments, I always fall back onto my cousin, who I grew up with and who I share my deepest, darkest secrets with. I cried in front of her as I expressed that I have convinced myself that I am not experienced enough, not skillful enough, not smart enough, not enough. Period. I tell her that nothing is going my way (at this point, I have not yet heard back from any companies nor have I heard back from any postgraduate programs which I applied for).

In this meaningful exchange with my cousin, she tells me all the things I am capable of; I am graduating with an expected first degree honors, I have always been driven in passion, I set goals and intentions and find ways to achieve them, I am creative and am an avid learner, and so much more. Then, she tells me that the reason I will not get what I want is because I don’t believe in all the good things I am. How can I make others believe in me when I don’t believe in me?

(I’m terribly sorry if that last paragraph sounded like my LinkedIn profile)

She then tells me that I need to actively try to believe in myself and manifest myself whenever in doubt. What’s crazy is that whenever I do this, things happen. The next week, I got accepted for my postgraduates in a university I’ve been wanting to go to. Then the next week, I had a job offer. Each week, I have at least one interview. This is not to say that my anxiety has completely vanished, but whenever I do feel worthless, I tell myself that I will achieve what I set my mind to. And things will just happen when it happens.

3) You don’t have to tick all the boxes in a day

Growing up in an Asian household, often times adults associate self-care and relaxing to being lazy. I’ve internalized this association for 20 years, believing that I don’t need to relax and have time for myself, and need to be productive 24/7. We live in a world full of checkboxes: 8am — wake up and work out, 10am — start working, 3pm — do laundry, 6pm — cook dinner (on a side note: remember to have a balanced diet!!!), 10pm — read a chapter. No matter how different everyday looks, it doesn’t matter as long as I tick all the boxes.

This was what my day looked like for months during my third year. Not to mention, I have a part-time job that normally starts at 4pm to 8pm most weekdays. I was doing as much as I can every single day, until I experienced my first burn out.

In my 4-day burn out, I literally couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t focus on work, it just drove me crazy. I couldn’t exercise, which normally helps me destress, because my body was stiff. I couldn’t eat properly because my stress levels were so high. I did nothing in 4 days, and it drove me mad! While my inner critic repeatedly told me that I’m being lazy and should be doing something beneficial for my future, I knew that I got myself in this place in the first place. My obsession with ticking all the boxes gave me no room to rest, mentally and physically.

After that burn out gave me a slap on my face, I knew I couldn’t keep going like how I was before. In my checklists, I had never included rest nor relax. In the end, all that grinding made me finish all my assignments one month before they are due. Truth be told, I let myself burn out for no reason, I had so much time. If I had been easier on myself, I would have still managed to finish all my assignments in time, without compensating my mental and physical wellbeing.

I’ve learned that having fun and doing things that I enjoy is also part of productivity. Relaxing and resting is productive, I just hadn’t realize this.

In my last few months before graduating university and taking on the world, I have to give myself the opportunity to realize that this is a time that I will never get back. I will never be in this position, in this time, in this moment, and in this struggle again. This itself should make me excited for what comes next.